French translation
German translation
Here in Edinburgh, after our over-night ferry from Amsterdam, Linda and I are relishing an extended travel vacation for the first time in years. Stepping out of our familiar schedules brings new perspectives. I am surprised by the unanticipated gifts and occasional challenges.
While traveling, just as in daily life, the consistencies for me are meditation/deep listening practices, being with Linda and interacting with the world in curious and harmonious way. These are my main sources of meaningfulness, usually fulfilling and joyful.
At first, on this journey, without our usual schedule, I noticed a delicate destabilization, an occasional feeling I call “lost”. This sense of “lost” surprised me. I know part of this was jet-lag, but more was happening as well. Even Linda and me, after 52 years together, free from our usual patterns, needed a few days to harmonize together. After a few brief spats, we discussed our transition and what was needed for us now. This clarity helped invite a youthful sense of freshness and freedom.
Open space/time invites new Awareness
In meditation this morning, I felt the great joy of just Being alive. Gratitude for this effortless connection to Life filled me. Soon, a disturbing feeling arose out of the blue – a sense of being lost and not wanting to be present, what I call the “longing for absence”.
One important, though unpleasant, aspect of meditation is sitting through states like boredom or anxiety – symptoms of “not wanting to be here in this moment”. Most people run from these experiences yet they are some of our most revelatory opportunities. Life is full of these, often unnoticed. If we can’t be at home in our own minds and bodies, without distractions or entertainment, we can’t truly be at home in life. When without my familiar roles, this delicate destabilization and “not wanting to be here”, has more space to be known.
Being and non-Being, Presence and Absence
Buddha spoke of two fundamental longings: for Being and for non-Being. Being is a pre-verbal connectivity with Life where we feel safe, held, and a sense of belonging. Being creates the sense of “at-homeness” in self and world. Non-Being is a longing for absence, to not be conscious of anything, free from “It All”. While meditation helps uncover the harmony of Being-ness, we also need to sit through the opposite. Have you ever felt: “Stop the world I want to get off or I want to be free from It All”?
Much of our attraction to busy-ness: news, alcohol, video games, drugs, television, food, gossip, or ???, is an expression of this longing toward “non-Being”. Of course, any of these can also be experienced with Awareness, but here I am speaking about times when we are escaping.
Noticing the difference between choice and obsession is key. These behaviors, in moderation, might be fulfilling. Idle time of non-awareness – day dreaming and spacing out, in the right quantity and timing, has a cleansing, often clarifying, effect on our brains. The idealized notion of uninterrupted presence is naive and unhelpful. We can ask: “are our ‘entertainments’ freely chosen or driven by potent unconscious forces”? Acknowledging and befriending the source of our absencing desires is challenging and freeing.
Homeward Bound
Our inner world – our soul life – longs for our “original home”. Being at home in the womb of Life, returning to this primordial sense, is our life journey. As great spiritual teachers remind us, this sense of home is already within us. Like the blue sky behind the clouds – hidden but never gone. Opening our hearts to the parts of us that are tired of living or bored and unfulfilled, transforms our path.
When hearing the voice whisper or shout: “I don’t want to be here” or “It’s all too much”, choosing “absencing over presencing” is perhaps needed for our sanity. Paradoxically, truly befriending and heartfully investigating our “wanting it all to stop” can return us to our homeward path.
Sitting meditation is an excellent way of befriending this place. Also, in daily life, when noticing that uncomfortable energy, instead of running away, we can intentionally pause, notice, and welcome it. Sensing the energy in our bodies, finding the right words or images and just being with it, usually creates a shift. When on a dedicated path, we become kinder, more generous and diligent in noticing the subtle signs of disconnection from harmony with life.
As usual, paying attention to my inner state, being with this “lost” feeling changed everything. What a joy to return to just being here. The power of “Awareness and being present with the whole experience” is a supreme gift. What a joy to have these special days of vacation with Linda to let go of our usual lives and discover new worlds. Now the sense of “free from It All” has new meaning, we have returned to “the larger space”, full of joy, warm-heartedness and gratitude just for Being alive.
Onward together… Russell